Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?