stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.