Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now