If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.