*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.