The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You Might Also Like
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
This makes total sense…
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice