For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?