inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”