Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Warm pools make me nervous.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]