[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Care for your back
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
so i’m at the stock market right
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall