Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”