Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma