[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Passed by a old school Math example today.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“No way.” -Jose
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Ah..makes sense now
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.