Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?