The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Breaking news:
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.