I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
You Might Also Like
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
some Old Testament wisdom
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E