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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.