When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
You Might Also Like
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Snapes on a plane.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.