[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.