I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]