The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.