“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
You Might Also Like
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.