Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist