Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?