You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
You got this…
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.