The pointless tidy up before a play date.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Oh we’ve met.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m giving up ice.
I feel this so hard
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back