Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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Blew my mind.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools