Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
You Might Also Like
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?