People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.