friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
this is how life feels
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.