Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My patience has stretch marks.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.