Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger