Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah