Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Respect
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984