Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
You Might Also Like
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
peeping toms
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”