I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
How dude HOW?!
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.