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-is house fire toast a thing?
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Siri, fight Alexa.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Lmao
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
john wicks are toilet candles
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit