ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
are there any atheist mantises?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.