genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
You Might Also Like
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards