Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
had to share :’)
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”