Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
i dont have time for this
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.