I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Whoa 😂
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*pokes sex life with a stick
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!