Good morning, Twitter 😊
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)