doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.