why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Overindulged this afternoon.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
worst…sale…ever
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me: