I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
this is the greatest thing ever
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.