Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.