My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
What’s so funny?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
That’s easy for you to say
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.