Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.