paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.